Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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