just come out here and I will go home with you...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
