dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
