Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
