I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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