tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
