my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
