Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
