i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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