So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
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Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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