When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Randomize
