dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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