I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
