You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
