dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
