so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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