it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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