I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
