o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
