When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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