if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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