your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
