I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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