The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Randomize
