bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
