my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
