tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
