Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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