You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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