so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
