nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
