Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
