Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
