I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
