I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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