just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
