Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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