i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
