I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
