She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
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You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes