I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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