As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
