Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
