i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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