Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
