you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
