What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
