Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so that wasnt chicken after all
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
