why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
