I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Send help, water and tortillas.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
