I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
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He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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