I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
