Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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