Sry I called you an 8
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
