drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
