dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I checked into jail on foursquare
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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