mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
