Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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