Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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