Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
